Adjuvant Attraction
by Rhi Marzano
Summary: A short Tobias PWP; kinda slashy, really angsty, but still nice.


Adjuvant AttractionAdjuvant Attraction  
Rhi Marzano  
R [to cover my ass ;)]  
Kinda slashy, _really_ angsty. If you don't like, *go away*! ::Grin:: Spoilers for 54.

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You can't imagine how much I loved her.

She was the only thing in my life- the only thing good, only thing worthwhile. In the beginning, I would have sold my soul to her for a smile. In the end, she got it anyway. She was... my everything.

I morphed.

It was slow at first, a bit rusty, but it still worked. My feathers turned to flesh, beak to nose, and I was human.

There were clothes behind a tree. I kept them there, just in case.

She never liked the morphing suits, you know.

I picked up the bundle. Clothes she had picked out for me, paid for with that bright smile, waved her hands and said, "Just wear them, k?" She had bought lots of things, and she always had that look behind her eyes. The unspoken part was "for when you're human again."

She wanted that so badly. For me to give up the war that she loved so dearly. For me to be normal, so that we could be together. But if I had, I doubt she'd've given it up.

But maybe she would have, I don't know. I kept on making excuses. I have to fight for my father, for Ax, for the people of the world.

Fuck my father- he gave up my mom for the war, and look where that got him. Fuck Ax- didn't see him comforting me, his supposed shorm, after my heart was systematically ripped to shreds. As for the people of the world, well, fuck them too.

Because... I never got to with Rachel.

That's harsh, I know, because it never would have been like that with her. It would have been beautiful and soul-shattering, just like it was supposed to be when you're in love. And we would have had kids, kids that looked just like her. Maybe had my eyes. We would have had a nice house, only because she'd probably go out and do something- one of those things that only she did, and the rest of the world would see it as marvelous and unique and give her loads of money. And I would have been proud of her, and we would just spend time together in this great house with our kids. We'd probably get a dog and a cat, and some fish.

All the maybes keep tearing me apart.

I sat next to her memorial, leaning my head against it. A lump formed in my throat. It wasn't normal. There was barely any connection, no body underneath to remind of the spirit. Just a block of granite and her name.

I loved her so much.

The tears came slowly at first, but soon I couldn't see. I couldn't see, and I couldn't breathe. The air was taunting me. I couldn't have her, and I couldn't have life. I choked and sobbed and wrapped my arms around the stone, managing only incoherent wails.

I would have done anything to bring her back.

If I had only known when the Ellimist had first offered us the way out, that she would sacrifice herself in this war, I would have tried to persuade everyone. We could have been happy.

Maybe if I had gone human at the first chance, she wouldn't have thrown herself into the war. Maybe she would have backed out.

Anything.

_Anything_, for her.

I heard footsteps but I didn't care. I just let myself cry. It didn't matter what anyone else thought. My Rachel was dead.

"Tobias?" said the voice gently.

I blinked through my tears and tried to focus. It was blurry, so feeble compared to the hawk.

"Jake?" I said weakly.

He looked so strong, so old. But the image crumbled as he sat down beside me. "I'm sorry," he said, barely choking the words out. "It was all my fault anyway. I should have never asked her to go."

It would have been so easy to blame him. But I knew better. "It wasn't your fault," I whispered. "She wanted it. Needed it. The glory, the fight... it was what she lived for. If the war had never happened, maybe she would have become a lawyer like her mom. But then she would have never loved me." I buried my face in my hands. "I don't know."

"'It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all,'" Jake quoted.

"Whoever said that," I said miserably, looking back at him, "never knew Rachel."

His eyes shared my pain, his eyes understood.

He had Rachel's eyes.

Something caught in my heart, I started crying again. I couldn't stand it. I just wanted to die, just to be with her again.

Jake hesitantly put his arms around me. "I'm sorry," he said again. "I loved her, too." His mouth quirked up in a funny half-smile. "Not like you, of course. But she was my cousin."

Her smile, too. He had her lips, and her gorgeous teeth.

And he understood.

I burrowed against him, my body wracked with sobs. "I can't believe she's gone."

His arms tightened.

"Me neither," he echoed.

We sat like that for awhile. When I had fallen quiet, he fished around in his pocket and came up with a handkerchief. With reserved grace he wiped at my eyes and paused under my nose. "Blow," he directed. I did, and he removed it. After folding it neatly, he put it back in his pocket.

"Do you want to go somewhere?" he asked me, eyes concerened.

Her eyes.

I swallowed. "Yeah," I said. "Let me demorph and remorph quick, though."

He nodded briskly, and turned his back.

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It was just a café, nothing big, but I appreciated it. He'd been distant since it had ended... not like I hadn't, but I just hadn't expected it of him. He'd handled everything up until that point. Then he just had a meltdown.

You couldn't tell that from looking at him now, though. He had this dignity glowing through his face. And I was jealous. All I was capable of mustering was a face of indifference or a face of chaotic blotchiness.

But he didn't care.

He bought me a sandwich and a coke and something similar for himself.

"Have you talked to Cassie?" I asked. I knew she was dating again, she'd come to see me the previous week.

"No," he said shortly, stuffing a bit of bread in his mouth. "Seems she's busy enough with a fellow named Ronnie."

"Ah," I said. I didn't offer further comment, and neither did he. We finished in silence and got up to throw away our trash.

"When we were little," he said finally as we returned to the memorial, "Rachel turned everything into a contest. It could be anything, from who could get to the mailbox, or who could dig a deeper hole. She always felt like she had to prove herself."

I steadied myself, holding the tears.

He placed a hand on my shoulder. "She never felt like that with you," he said. "She could just be with you, and it was enough." He sighed. "I didn't feel that way with Cassie. Felt like I couldn't live up to what she needed." And his eyes, his eyes were filled with sadness as he said, "You were lucky."

"I feel like nothing without her," I said, my voice scarcely registering.

He gripped my shoulders. "You aren't," he said fiercely. "Even if you weren't a great human being without her- and you are, still the same great you- she's still in you. Everytime we look at you, Tobias, we see Rachel, and how much we wish we could have had what you two did."

He had Rachel's fire.

I looked up at him helplessly. "I'm not the one they see her in," I said. "It's you. And the only time the hole in my heart becomes smaller is when you're with me."

His eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"It's not just the looks," I said hurriedly. "Similar physical features are to be expected, I guess, but her soul... so much like yours."

"That's about the biggest compliment anyone's ever given me," he said brokenly. 

He pulled me closer, and we cried together. There was hardly any air between us. My tears met with his, a fluid mixture of grief.

And then, with uncertainty, he tipped my head up and brushed his lips against mine.

Maybe, with us together, Rachel was still alive.


End file.
